Date written: 06.12.2015
And it takes a lot of it.
After I "landed" back home in Norway, with being ill and everything I've definitely got a lot of time to think. I've thought about how gutting it was that things with Molly didn't go to plan. I've thought about how sad it was to leave my dream job in Germany. I've looked at old photos and videos, and I've cried because I realized yet again I'm not where I want to be. I've been discouraged and I've lost faith. I've been angry. I've been dissapointed.
Why? Because after I yet again surrounded myself with the best people, who's where I dream of being.. I thought, yet again, how impossibly out of reach my dreams seem. What have I accomplished compared to other people my age? Younger than me? Compared to my friends? Nothing.
But there's the first fault. That's not true. I haven't achieved nothing. And neither have you. And I think that's a mistake too many people make. Comparing yourself to others can be a good thing, but mostly it's a very very bad thing. Just because you haven't been as successful as others in the eyes of society, doesn't mean you haven't accomplished anything.
I looked back at videos I made and things I wrote in April 2014. April 2014 should have been the time of my life. I had an amazing young horse, I got to work and train with a WEG rider, and I was signed up for my first international FEI CSI2* show. But in April 2014 everything went wrong. I let out some of my thoughts regarding this in a sum up blog for 2014 (that can be read here: December'14)
And as I say, everything eventually ends, the good and the bad. But the fear, the anexiety, the bad experiences that started in April 2014 and stuck with us to about February 2015 stuck with me even after I sold Bea and got Molly. It was first in September-October 2015 I felt like I got over this, with the incredible help from Thiess, my trainer in Germany.
No, I'm not exaggerating it when I say that I was scared of jumping from April 2014 to September 2015. When I got Molly april 2015 it got better very slowly, but I can't lie- that period when I went through hell with being terrified of the only thing I've ever wanted was incredibly hard. And I did think about giving up, because it felt like no matter what I did and tried I was still scared, I was still useless.
In periods, I told myself "you'll never be anything. Just look at yourself, what have you achieved? Nothing." but that, friends, it's not the truth.
Because I didn't give up, I didn't quit, I didn't surrender even though I wanted to. It's almost been two years since it all went downhill, and sometimes I've wandered in the unknown. I've tried, and sometimes I failed. I didn't think things would work out. But somehow, I kept going, I held my head high, at least when other people saw me.
In theory, I should have never been where I am. Financially, emotionally, physically, with all that's been thrown in my way. The odds haven't been with me. And there's not much through my riding journey that have indicated that I would ever even compete. But somehow it all have worked out.
But I'm telling you, it's been hard. It's been so very exhausting, sad, depressing, and it's been incredible amount of blood, sweat and tears. In the eyes of society, I haven't accomplished much. But in my own eyes, I'm proud. I've proved to have courage, determination and willpower that I didn't know I had.
So what have I accomplished? I never gave up. That must count for something?
Date written: 03.12.2015
I am beyond exited to announce that in the very fancy and unique equestrian brand GhoDho's sponsorship contest I was picked as 1 of 25 our of over 400 worldwide contestants to be one of their sponsored riders for the 2016 season.
I have for a long time been drooling over their extremely fancy stuff, and can't wait to hopefully do a good job with promoting this amazing brand!
You can visit their website here.